After spending the last 3-100 hours reading and watching stuff written by talented, clever, intelligent, feminist young-ish ladies on the internet I have come to a conclusion.
I must not actually be as funny or cute or ADORKABLE or witty or charming or manic pixie dream girl as I think I am because I don’t self-describe myself as AWKWARD.
Sure, I have had some awkward moments, what with me being a human and all that jazz. To prove it to you here are my top five examples (from least knuckcle-bite inducing to most):
5) Any time I carry an object that isn’t really heavy but is unwieldy and have to transport through some sort of door. AWKWARD. THAT IS THE BEST USE OF THIS WORD.
4) The other day I told my boss that someone was “gay in their butt.” Would this joke be funny to my peers? YES. Maybe even if my peers were gay? POSSIBLY YES. Was it offensive to my 40-something gay boss? YES. She proceeded to ask me ‘what does that even mean?’ I told her it was stupid, I am stupid. My whole generation is stupid. All straight white girls everywhere are stupid. But none of that helped. THAT WAS AWKWARD. SHE COULD HAVE FIRED ME RIGHT THERE AND I WOULD HAVE SAID ‘FAIR ENOUGH.’
3) At a work party once I asked a black woman if she was friends with the other black woman there and then she said “yes?” and I said “oh I just saw you two walk in together,” and she said “no we didn’t” and I said “OH SORRY I AM OBVI A RACIST WHO ASSUMES ALL BLACK PEOPLE ARE FRIENDS.” Ok I didn’t say that but I did just walk away because the damage had been done so… THAT WAS AWKWARD.
2) When I met Casey Affleck, BECAUSE WE WERE CAST IN THE SAME FILM, I told him that “he might remember from molesting him in his childhood.” (Hint: In the film I molested his character as a child.) AND HE DIDN’T LAUGH OR EVEN COMMENT ON THAT. THAT WAS AWKWARD. HE IS CELEBRITY THAT IS ALSO THE BROTHER OF A CELEBRITY. WHAT IF HE TOLD HIS BROTHER AND HIS BROTHER TOLD JENNIFER GARNER?
1) Once I was doing a sexy naked handstand for my boyfriend and I queefed - like 5 times. It was the grossest moment of my life and I just told you about it. THAT WAS AWKWARD! WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER THAT HAPPENS? AND I JUST POSTED THAT ON THE INTERNET - WHAT IF MY AUNT READ THIS? THAT WOULD ALSO BE AWKWARD TO DISCUSS WITH HER!
So there you go! I am not immune from awkwardness! And I am pretty sure that I experience it just as much as every other human. BUT I REFUSE TO HIDE BEHIND IT LIKE IT IS SOME SORT OF LIP-PLUMPER LIPGLOSS THAT JUST LIES TO EVERYONE ABOUT WHO I REALLY AM.
I am confident. A lieeeettle too confident maybe sometimes. And gosh darn it, I think that it is A-OK to be a confident girl. My mom didn’t even have to tell me that. She showed me it by yelling at people in Wal-Mart parking lots for not dressing their children appropriately for the weather.
The point is I am not getting my rocks off on telling people that I don’t fit into some sort of norm. There is no normal. This was confirmed by me when I started working at a criminal law firm and saw that sometimes really lovely people in the world who also happen to rob banks with guns and make meth in vans. Normal does not exist, at least not in America.
I make mistakes and say stupid stuff and occasionally wear crotch-biting high-rise dress pants with comically ruffly tops but good lord in dear sweet heaven, that does not make ME awkward.
And guess what… YOU AREN’T AWKWARD EITHER. You interpret and respond to social cues the majority of the time. You keep your toots, farts, sharts, burps, belches, and other gastrointestinal dilemmas to yourself most of the time. You have never groped the elderly or the childerly inappropriately in front of their care takers (hint: don’t do this away from their care takers either, turns out it you go to jail and are forever on the sex offender facebook page.)
You are a girl (or a boy, that likes reading what I write because you are a) gay or b) confused about how to get me to sleep with you.) You are funny and nerdy and sweet and generally lost all of time and you do cry during those GE commercials about wind turbine manufacturing. But OH MY GEE you do not have to be awkward. It is not the fucking world’s job to make you feel like you do not belong. It is your fatherfucking (feminist!) job to MAKE THE WORLD YOUR BITCH (not thaaaat good of a feminist.) !!!!!!
Do you think that you will be able to loved a little easier because you can call yourself out on your ‘awkwardness’? THAT IS NOT A TRUTH.
You will be loved because you love yourself. You will be loved because you know you are WORTHIER THAN SHIT of being loved. I meant that in a good way.
SO LISTEN UP EVERY LAST THING OUT THERE THAT EITHER a) has a vagina or more likely b) just self-identifies as something girl-like YOU ARE NOT AWKWARD AND I (/THEWORLD) WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT YOU DEMEANING YOURSELF AS SUCH.
In the name of Uncle Jesse we all say, capische?